Song Lyrics
The Drunken Gnome Illusionist

The Drunken Gnome Illusionist

Dan Marcotte

1. Come and Listen to a story that will give you much elation,

About a little gnome who never used an evocation,

Never cast a necromantic spell to save his life,

and never never ever abjuration.

For he was a gnome illusionist from old edition two

Adventuring for years and years, what’s a gnome to do?

He settled down and he took for him a wife!

Where the whiskey was distilled and ale was brewed.

And he drank the whiskey down every day and every night,

Singing at the tavern til the early morning light,

He stumbled home at dawn and he gave his wife a fright,

Casting random spells from off his list!

A Glamour Audible and a Force Phantasmal,

Blurry Mirror Images, he drove her up the wall,

And he always had a little flask of whiskey in his fist,

The Drunken Gnome Illusionist!

2. One day when he went out, he heard the people shout,

The brewery’s destroyed, there’ll be no more ale or stout,

and also the distillery where all the whiskey’s made!

The gnome illusionist began to pout.

“If ever find the beast that took me whiskey drink,

I’ll find him, I’ll fight, for he’s pushed me to the brink!

His wife she laughed and said, “No more drunken gnome parades!

“Now you’ll be a sober gnome I think!”

“No I won’t!” Says he, as he searched and he sought!

Dusting off old spellbooks that all but time forgot,

Realized that he was higher level than he thought!

Recalling all the spells he had dismissed!

Improved invisibility and monsters shadowy,

Permanent and powerful Illusions, vacancy,

And he studied with a little flask of whiskey in his fist!

The Drunken gnome illusionist!

3. He followed forth the trail of every broken brewery wagon,

Met some whiskey dealers who were standin’ and a braggin’,

they said they saw what broke their whiskey still the other night!

“Tis no lie, we tell ya, it’s a dragon!”

“Was it black, was it red, was it green or white or blue?”

“We couldn’t really tell, but it took a cask or two!

“It’s living in a cave down by the river out of sight!

“What’s a drunken gnome like you a gonna do?”

The drunken gnome illusionist headed to the cave,

And found some dead adventurers who tried to be so brave,

Their torn and mangled bodies lay upon an open grave,

A slaughter that would marvel even Drizzt!

For their swords and their shields and their armor was the best,

Their wizard had a fireball and telekinesis,

But no one had a little flask of whiskey in their fist,

like the Drunken Gnome Illusionist!

4. The Drunken Gnome Illusionist had almost sobered up,

He held his flask of whiskey and he toasted “Bottoms up!”

Then he heard a voice from high above him sadly ask,

“Would you like to share, I’ve got a cup!”

The dragon wasn’t blue or black or red or green or white,

Silver, copper, bronze, or brass or gold as morning light,

Twas an amber colored dragon, just like whiskey from a flask,

“I’d rather share a drink than have a fight!”

The Whiskey Dragon smiled as they shared a drink or two,

The Drunken Gnome Illusionist he knew just what to do!

With Permanent Illusions made the Dragon’s Lair anew!

Fulfilled the Whiskey Dragon’s ifelong wish!

Now the cavern was a cavern, where the whiskey ere would flow,

The dragon had a flagon and the town would always know,

He’d saved them with a little flask of whiskey in his fist,

the Drunken Gnome Illusionist!