Song Lyrics
Screw You, DM!

Screw You, DM!

By
Dan Marcotte

Refrain

Twenty-twelve-ten-eight-six-four!

Screw You, DM today! To hell with your stupid game, we’re walking out the door!

1. As I was going over the notes of our campaign,

I realized the multitudes of characters that were slain.

In retrospect I must admit it wasn’t really fair,

To lose first level characters to a flock of owlbears!

We’ve had to roll so many saving throws in vain,

To keep mind flayers from sucking out our brains!

It never really mattered, the odds were all the same,

This was a character slaughterhouse, you called it a campaign! (Refrain)

2. One game I do remember, our party was first level,

And the NPC who joined us had more hit dice than a devil.

And though we had a ranger, and though the land was flat,

A pair of giants ambushed us and made our heads go splat!

Then the NPC drew both his plus five swords of sharpness,

He killed both the giants while we died upon the grass!

The DM played with just himself, what a challenge rating!

I guess that’s why they call it DungeonMaster- (Refrain)

3. And of course you must agree when the party gets too strong,

The DM has a plan to take your treasure all along.

Our party followed forth a lead, given by the DM,

And we boarded a ship to make his plot move quicker to our end!

Then a storm beset us and a giant squid attacked!

The ship’s hull cracked and then we sank into the sea so black!

Our bag of holding opened, we lost all our treasure,

So tell me Mr. DM was this business or just pleasure? (Refrain)

4. Once I was a roguish bard, dark and suave and cool,

But the DM he had other plans in this world of “radiant pools,”

First I got a magic girdle, changed me to a girl,

I thought okay, interesting, I’ll give the girl a whirl!

Then a mage with polymorph, he cast a spell on me!

Soon I was a halfling chick standing three foot three!

Then some undead found me and cursed me in the shire,

And I became a bardic-blade sex-changed hobbit vampire! (Refrain)

5. So Screw You, DM! To hell with your stupid game!

Your plots are weak, your pacing sucks, each session is the same.

You take away our magic, you take away our gold,

So Screw You, DM, your campaign is getting old!

Why don’t you roll a saving throw DC nineteen?

To see if it will save you from us kicking in your spleen?

It doesn’t really matter, the odds are all the same,

There’s five of us and one of you, we’re ending your campaign! (Refrain)